As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.