As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?