Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
liiiiiiiiike
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper