something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
You Might Also Like
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.