[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
You Might Also Like
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels