I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”