Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Okay
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire