me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
my one true gender
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.