sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…