friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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Lmbo
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
😂😂
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯