Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
rapatouille
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?