The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Bro what is this
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.