The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.
I’ll keep you all posted.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“What sins have you committed?”
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.