The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit