Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
vegan witches, happy halloween!