Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.