Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”