Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.