WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
You Might Also Like
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
In banana years, I am bread.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Chicken bread
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”