I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
hackers play passwordle
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.