being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Somebody call the cops.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman