Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.