My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us