Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.