I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Can’t stop laughing
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.