I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
You Might Also Like
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation