DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??