We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks