Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Good boy 😂😂
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?