@Breadery “I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
@TeaAndCopy ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
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@Breadery 
@jwoodham Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
@Fred_Delicious what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
@XplodingUnicorn 7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
@NoUCantBangMe Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
@katsafrenacus Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
@sarcasticmommy4 Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
@birbigs Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
@Lisabug74 I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
@baddanadanabad girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”