The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.