When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My dating profile:
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
One of the best
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Generation gap…
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive