my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.