Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.