I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
All set.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.