Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..