Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…