Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Who does Amazon think I am?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but