“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip