Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.