Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO