Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.