Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Natural selection at its finest
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.