“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
just make the entire table out of coaster
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?