Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
is this store having a stroke wtf
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time