having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.