My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita