captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Baller is short for ballerina
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?