captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
😩😩😩
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does