Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Holy shit he’s back
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
He wanted to make sure😂
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.