Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.