Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.