Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
How times have changed.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
me and who
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger