In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan