Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
peak technology
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?