yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
2/Stop for no reason
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?